Wipe away the dust

I am not diligent enough to blog. The phase of expressing my feelings and thoughts slowly die off. Two weeks back, while working, i was actually quite surprised by janice. She suddenly message me, "Are you ok? Something is bothering you?" I always find it amusing when she is just sitting opposite of me but got to use message instead of saying it out. None of my other colleagues notice something is bothering me except for her. I got to say, thanks for asking. I thought i am acting normal. But you saw the sign...

As usual, work and studies are taking up most of my timing. Recently been drinking very often. On my money tap. Flowing like how singaporeans use water.

Suzuki swift, Toyota altis or vios, Honda fit. Give me a while more, one of you will be mine! =)

I am kinda hesitating. Like what i said, it will be tough on you. Basically, i don't have any trust for girls. Which means relationship is a risky and non-profitable investment for me. That is why i am reluctant to. I gave enough previously. I am tired to be the "giver". You said you are willing to go through this with me. How sure are you? Don't you think you will feel upset more often? Sometimes i can make you really helpless with my emo-ness. I can make you feel that no matter what you did, i am still rooted to the ground. I agreed that time will tell. I also acknowledge the fact that i can't be always hiding in the past and not willing to move on. But if i can forget easily, that is not me anymore. Is not about you anymore. Is me. If only i can be more cold blooded.....

Decision

Yesterday another round of drinks again. Not because i wanna it though. I almost expose my secret after being tipsy. Zzz.. Lucky.. How lucky...

I have decided. This is leading to no where. Instantly, i set my mind to cut it off. I told her, "lets stop contacting". This afternoon i did not reply at all. I guess i did the right thing. I can't have her dragging me. Up till now, she is only concern about how she is feeling. Never ever did she ask what am i thinking or how am i feeling. I can never pin-point her mistakes out. It will just make her frustrated and turn negative. This is why we can never have a proper conversation. Can't reach a point of understanding. When i willing to listen, she don't wanna talk. If only she can behave calmly, things will be better. She just has no patience. Bias-ness.. No matter what i say or do, is always wrong in her eyes. So ya... Don't tell me i am good enough. Because to me, i am never enough for you. No matter how hard i try, i can never reach it. Just take it as i am shitty. You deserve better. Everything is my fault.

Much better now. Straightened my thoughts. Gonna follow what i set my mind to. Cut it off. The bonds. Only in this way, then i can see my future. =)

One day, just one fine day, your spell will have no effect on me anymore.

Why now...

I went out happily. Although i am tired and sleepy, my mood is still alright. Drink, drank and tipsy. Came home and my mood is all gone. In one instant. Those of you know who this person is should know the impact on me.

[R]yn_askin - who has camping tents?? sent 11/9/2008 1:24 AM:
i went through sm smses in my old phone....
[R]yn_askin - who has camping tents?? sent 11/9/2008 1:25 AM:
just wanna tell you, i miss you
[R]yn_askin - who has camping tents?? sent 11/9/2008 1:25 AM:
oh well
[R]yn_askin - who has camping tents?? sent 11/9/2008 1:25 AM:
what happened to us
[R]yn_askin - who has camping tents?? sent 11/9/2008 1:25 AM:
haha sorry
[R]yn_askin - who has camping tents?? sent 11/9/2008 1:26 AM:
a little in a drunken stupor
[R]yn_askin - who has camping tents?? sent 11/9/2008 1:38 AM:
what happened to us...................
[R]yn_askin - who has camping tents?? sent 11/9/2008 1:39 AM:
right my apologise agian
[R]yn_askin - who has camping tents?? sent 11/9/2008 1:39 AM:
nights
[R]yn_askin - who has camping tents?? sent 11/9/2008 1:39 AM:
can we go back to then?

Maybe she is drunk and not sober. Maybe she is just being emotional at that moment. Why wait till now? Don't you think is too late? Is been nearly a year.. I felt a pain. A sharp pain piercing through my heart. Why wait till i have given up all hopes? I really tried my best for you. But everything is just so wrong in your eyes. I am never enough.. Is really painful. The pain... Somebody kill me please...................

Restless day

Finished my work early today. Received a message from janice. Asking whether wanna go home together or not. So i decided to leave with her. Went to tm for a while before heading home together. Actually i find it quite amusing. We are sitting opposite of each other. Yet got to message. Weird isn't it? Hmmm...

Sometimes life drive us crazy. Sometimes we drive ourselves mad. Once again, back to the starting line. I am not making sense here. Pardon me. Just allow my emotions to flow. Just cut me some slack. How i wish everyone can stop pressuring me. I am tense up at work every minute. How pathetic. Personal, work or school life, i am not expecting anything. Just hoping for a breakthrough. Sometimes in the middle of the work, receiving a simple message can brighten my day up. I can take stress. With stress, i can perform better. I wanna over take the rest. Trying hard. Very hard.. I guess i am pushing myself way too much.

Life's been real hard for me. Not family wise, not financially. Those who knows will understand what i been through.. Currently yea, i am stressing myself for working full time and studying part time. Straining my time away. But i just wanna succeed earlier than others. Compared to those rich kids, i am inferior. To those smart ass, i am nothing. Why do you think i wanna push myself so hard? I am not doing a 9am-6pm type of job. In fact is 9am till after 6pm. After 6pm is no limits. 12am. 1am. 2am. The next day the routine continues. No ending. I got to say, i lost myself.

Watching Hot Shot. Kinda lame but then i guess i am way too bored. This show is a copy of the anime slam dunk. Even the character's behaviours. Something to drive our boredom away yea?



Lost at work today. My mind just can't settle down. Messages keep coming in. But it is never you. I wished your name will flash on the screen everytime i turn and look at the incoming. How strange.. This feeling is so strong. What is wrong with me? Everything was normal till one fine day. I choose not to say, because i knew you have better options around. I guess, as long as you are happy, that is all it matters.

Updates

I lost the momentum to blog. Using busy as an excuse to cover up what i am lacking of. I am thinking of quitting my current job. I dont mind the long hours. Days when i got to work till nearly 1am from 9am. But is about the need to compromise my studies. Priority should be school then work. I am sick and tired to hear my boss telling me, "I am sorry you got to miss school today". "I am sorry for the hours". I am told, as an officer level, we are not entitled to overtime pay. Whenever we worked till the wee hours, the next day is kinda expected that some will be late. Yet my boss can say, "the management require punctuality from everyone". Now speaking of punctuality. I thought our official working hour is 9am-6pm? Maybe we can knock off punctually too? I know i can be such a workaholic. I can stay in office for more than 16hours without grumbling. But cant they be understanding? I know we got timing to meet. Cut off time. But as long as we finish our tasks, isn't that alright? Sometimes from morning till lunch time, i dont even have a chance to visit the washroom. To be frank, i love my job. I love the hectic life. I love the type of work i am engaging in. Just that.. Maybe i am too stress up.

Weekends were great. The at least once a week meet up with tyf. Not bad, this week 3 times. =) Meet up with the rest of the cliques. 2008, definitely a year of chaos. Oh ya, it is qian i saw that day in tampines mall. Catch up the next time you are back alright. Dont lose your handphone again. =)

I think this is weird for me. Is it an illusion? It is so real..
Can there be a sign? So that i know what to do?
This is really going to be tough..
What can i say?